fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
