My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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