My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
