let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
