The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
