remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken