I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Someone shattered a urinal.
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The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
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But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog