my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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