Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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