Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
