I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
