Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
