2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
