My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
