Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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