if only i could text you this smell
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
