I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
