I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
