i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
