I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
