Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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