finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
