Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Randomize
