the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
