Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
