Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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