Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
