mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
