yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
