Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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