you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
