If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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