My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
