All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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