I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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