i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
3pm strippers are depressing
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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