He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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