we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
tell me about the eggs
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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