He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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