im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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