I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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