I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
