so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
