I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
