u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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