I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
