I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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