I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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