When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
