The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
