I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
