I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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