just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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