I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
