I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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