This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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