if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
