who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Come on in and take your pants off
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