Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
