It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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